You have no one but you

Words by Aimee O'Keefe

So central to our sense of wellbeing are feelings of belonging, contentment and human touch. We get this from our friends, our family and our lovers. It is common to look for romance when the other two are lacking.

We are fed this idea of true love, you’ll find ‘it’ one day. We read it, watch it, listen about it in every song on the radio, and come to idealise romantic love as a one stop fix.

It wasn’t until I started working with countless families as a nanny that I realised these idealised ideas of love are just that- not real life. I finally started to question why people pick one person, get married and have kids. Such an assumed and obvious thing, I had never questioned it before. I saw a lot of couples that were mainly unhappy, but remained due to the comfort and security that grows after being with one person for an amount of time.

Why do people actually get married in 2019? I’ve always looked at marriage as a religious sacrament. Given most people today are not religious but still choose to get married shows that the idea of marriage is so ingrained into what you ‘just do’ that it has lost its religious significance to simply become a cultural norm.

This is the first thought I had, and it left me pretty confounded to say the least. My next thought went hand in hand with this one. What if we as humans beings are just not meant to be with one person for the rest of our life? Half of married couples get divorced, and a lot remain in unhappy marriages. In saying that, there are also couples that are deeply in love, that change and grow together and wouldn’t have it any other way.

What if this idea of a forever partner is only the result of an antiquated social construct, gingerly holding on to the fraying roots of bygone understandings of gender and religion, that are loaded with oppression and patriarchal symbology. What if human beings are just biologically meant to hop between mates like most other mammals on this earth?

I promptly typed ‘animals that mate for life?’ into google.

The results flashed up to reveal that unsurprisingly, monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom. Of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals, only between three to five percent are known to remain together for life.

I am not saying I don’t believe in love, but maybe love is fleeting, just as good, but for a certain moment, with a certain person, until it fades.

So how do I navigate relationships with this in mind? Make my partner sign an agreement claiming we happily go our own ways once we have both done our stint? Or, do I only agree on ‘casual’ relationships from now on? I get the temporary love, lust, affection and momentary commitment that I need, and am free to move on whenever I like, as are they. No labels, no commitments, almost no messaging- just your average burgeoning 21st century relationship. Whilst this sounds great, using any labels becomes complicated, and wanting to spend your days with someone should be simple.

I believe all it comes down to is so simple it’s hard to see. If they like you, you’ll know it, if you’re confused, they don’t. You’ll know love when you feel it. There’s no need for labels, time limits, vows- if you’re in love, you will be, together, for that moment in time. Yet, so far, I have only felt confused.

But, I know I will have loving, meaningful relationships. I believe there will be more than one. If they only last for a brief moment, that is okay. If they last forever, that is also okay. What is more important is the knowledge that I’ll always have me. No one else cares about you as much as you care for yourself. No one else is going to take you places, build your life. Not your family, friends or romantic love, Sure, having people there with you on this journey to prop you up is nice, but an internal leaning post is even better. What’s even better is that yourself, you can always rely on.