An ode to casual - love, an avid user

They like you today but find someone else to replace you tomorrow. You’ll go home together tonight, but only because you’re the last option. They act like they are enamoured with you, only to turn around and say it wasn’t real. They put up walls and treat you poorly to create distance, then only when they are drunk do these walls finally fall. And, you do the exact same to them.

You put up with it because you don’t want a partner- you want to focus on your career, you want to travel and move freely, you don’t want to get comfortable while you’re still so young! But, you also want to fulfil a simple human desire for connection, intimacy and a sense of companionship. It’s never going to be forever but it’s still someone, a connection, something, someone to spend your time with and share yourself with.

But then, it hurts.

Friends with benefits, situationships, casual- they come in many variations but they all have one thing in common, they make you feel so full and so broken is such equal amounts. Sometimes you time it to a tee before it gets messy, but other times it goes catastrophically wrong.

Why is this a such a common hole that people fall into? The main thing I always come back to is the fundamental difference between male and female feelings of connection. Everyone knows how much easier it is for men to have sex without feelings, and how hard this is for women. But, I’d say that men in these kinds of casual relationships do have some level of feeling, for sure. However, it’s the emotional volatility of men, particularly young men and the sheer impetuous drive of their emotions that creates this disparity. Men feel in the moment, women feel and take into account the impacts, which is a testament of our nurturing nature that a lot of men biologically lack. So thus, we get these messy relationships where yes, there are feelings, but the difference between how men and women feel, understand and act upon these feelings creates some serous weirdness.

You also just want to feel wanted, given affection and attention and yeah, we can’t complain about having regular sex. Yet, you want to keep your options open as someone better may come around and this person you’re situationshiping with isn’t right and you know it. BUT, no, they must stay waiting with said attention and affection until YOU find someone else. This is working great until it is them that finds someone better first, and you’re left doubting everything and everyone and your entire self and this entire world. YAY!

You started to think, maybe I will try this relationship thing, stop being so anti-dating! Then, only to be so easily replaced, forgotten, deleted and turned into another story of a dramatic girl with a few issues that he once slept with. This hurts, because despite it all you thought there was care there, or you thought you were actually just beyond all, mates. But no, my understanding of a mate is someone that cares.

Why do you then keep doing it? I think this answer is so different for everyone. It is deep rooted in our individual psychological lineage. For me, it comes from a distanced family upbringing. Yes, growing up my parents loved and adored me but this was something they never expressed. I can’t recall a time my mother has told me she loved me, but I know she does. This has created a pattern in me where I feel most comfortable with a half-sense of love and connection. I like them there, but not fully there, I like them close, but not too close. Phycologists call this an abandonment life-trap and argue it often manifests in adults romantic relationships in the way they are drawn to lovers who hold some potential for abandoning you. This is because living in an unstable love relationship feels comfortable and familiar to you as it is what you have always known. Choosing partners who present some hope but not complete hope- a mixture of hope and doubt, ensures that you will continue to re-enact your childhood abandonment.

You want to feel wanted, you want affection and now, you just want what you had because it’s better than nothing, right? But you’re better than that, you’re amazing and bright and funny and you deserve someone who appreciates this fully. But you needed these casual relationships to teach you how great things really can be when you have that, when you have found your person. Without these experiences, you may not know how to spot them. Right now, it’s so hard to even imagine what this feels like let alone envision it happening, but you have to know that if you want it, it will. Think about the great moments and excitement you felt in these shitty casual arrangements and then think how effervescent it will be with someone who gives you their heart and offers safety and love and who gently cradles your heart too.

So, wash those sheets, spend time alone and build the best version of yourself so you’ll be ready when it’s the right time and the right person. All this fuss will hopefully one day be a distant memory of the confusion and loneliness, but also the growth and learning that defines your twenties.